什么阻礙了高分作文

徐詩祺

在寫作中，很多同學會茫然：為什么我達到了所有的要求，作文分數依然不高？想要找到失分的關鍵，不妨來看看你的作文是否有以下問題。

[語法錯誤]

語法錯誤是同學們寫作中最容易出現的問題。

1. 時態和語態錯誤

Mick was fell off the bike when cycling across the road. （fall off表示“跌倒”，不用被動形式，去掉was）

I read the announcement of the summer camp that you have posted on the Internet and I was interested in it. （“我”是“現在”感興趣，was改為am）

2. 名詞單復數及主謂一致錯誤

Im sorry to tell you a bad news about Mick.（news是不可數名詞，意為“消息”，a改為a piece of）

The sport stadiums is very great and is highly spoken of by the foreigners. （stadiums的謂語應用are）

3. 詞性混淆

Here I will provide you with my suggests. （suggests改為名詞suggestions）

4. 搭配錯誤

Under the help of the teacher， I have made great progress in English studies. （under改為with）

5. 句子結構混亂

In the beginning， everything going well. （描述過去的事情，going改為went）

There are many students hold an opposite view on this issue. （一句話有兩個謂語，hold前加who或者hold改holding）

[中式英語]

同學們在寫作當中難免受到漢語思維的影響。這主要體現在以下兩個方面。

1. 逐字逐句翻譯

我很遺憾地告訴你，Mick昨天發生了一起小事故。

Im sorry to tell you Mick happened a slight accident yesterday. （F）

Im sorry to tell you a slight accident happened to Mick yesterday. （T）

happen是不及物動詞，“某人發生某事”應用sth.happens/happened to sb.。

英漢句子的語序與漢語存在巨大差異。掌握五種基本句型是寫好英語句子的基礎。

2. 用詞不當

Dont worry. He has been well settled in the hospital now.

To be a volunteer， in my opinion， means I should not only serve visitors heart and soul but also be on behalf of our Chinese cultures.

第一句中，settle in表示遷入新居并安頓好，不適用于醫院，改為He is in hospital now and will recover soon。

第二句，“我不僅應該全心全意為游客服務，而且代表著中國文化”聽起來非常生硬，把后半句改為but also spread our Chinese cultures to the best of my ability。

[誤用復雜句式]

總有同學在作文中不遺余力地套用復雜句式，但為用而用往往會得不償失。

1. 句式不正確

However， we were about to cross the road when Mick fell off the bike， only to find his leg was broken seriously.

此句套用了be about to do ... when ... 和only to do，但是意思表達并不正確。only to do引導結果狀語時表示意料之外的結果，此處應改為having his leg seriously broken。

So willing am I to provide you with some latest information.

此句是so ... that ... （如此……以至于……）句型的誤用。從意思上來看，此句并不需要強調“我是如此的愿意以至于……”，所以應更正為I am so willing to provide you with some latest information。

2. 句式不恰當

It is universally acknowledged that Mick is good at riding bikes， so we were surprised that he fell off the bike.

Im Li Hua， a student who is taught by Mick.

Im sorry to tell you Mick was injured by accident. It was my carelessness that contributes to his injury.

以上三句均沒有語法錯誤，還使用了較為高級的句式，但都不恰當。第一句中的it is universally acknowledged that適用于表達世所公認的事實，用在此處過于夸張，建議刪掉；第二個句子運用了定語從句，卻讓一個簡單的句子復雜化，違背了書信的交際功能，建議改為Im Li Hua， one of Micks students；第三句運用了強調句，但是意思表達有誤，此處不應該強調“我的失誤導致他受傷”，建議刪掉。

[添加無關信息]

高考作文的要求之一是“適當增加細節，以使行文連貫”。增加細節的目的是加強文章的連貫性，添加無意義的信息只會淹沒作文的重點，讓作文不知所云。

在向Mick的媽媽告知Mick騎車受傷的作文中，有同學寫道：

We were very happy to enjoy the beautiful scenery along the journey and the villagers were so friendly that we had a big meal together.

Could you bring some personal things of Micks to Zhong Hua hospital？ The room number is 305.

以上兩句的共同問題是不符合語境。第一句與書信內容毫無關系，對情節的推動也沒有任何作用；第二句不切實際。按常理推斷，Mick的媽媽在國外，根本不可能出現在醫院。此二句均屬無關信息，應當刪除。

另有同學寫道：

Yesterday， I invited Mick to take a bike trip with us around the city wall， where the beautiful cherry tree were in full blossom. So absorbed in the spectacular scenery， Mick didnt notice the stone in front and fell off the bike， having his leg broken.

該同學在題干給出的簡單信息“一天和同學邀請外教Mick騎自行車去游玩。途中，Mick不慎摔倒”的基礎上，補充了邀約Mick的時間、地點、原因及Mick摔倒的原因，讓作文的內容更加完整，邏輯更加連貫。

[語氣和情感態度不合情理]

一篇優秀作文必行文的語氣和情感態度要得當。而這正是同學們現階段寫作中最容易忽視的問題。

例如，在邀請外教參加生日派對的書信中這樣寫：

Im wondering if you are available that day. Would you mind joining us？ What a pity if you refuse our invitation.

寫信的對象是外教，并非陌生人，Im wondering if和would you mind這樣的表達過于委婉；if you refuse our invitation語氣太過生硬，也不合適。

在向Mick媽媽告知Mick騎車受傷的作文中，有同學這樣寫：

Im sorry to tell you something bad about Mick. Details are as follows.

Unfortunately， Mick fell off the bike in order not to hit a dog.

Sad as we were， we called a taxi and sent his to hospital.

as follows適用于列舉一條條事項，不適合作為描述一個具體事件的轉折句；Mick不慎摔倒應該是suddenly（突然地）而不是unfortunately（不幸地）；我們sad（悲傷）和我們把他送到醫院不構成轉折關系。且這是一封給Mick媽媽說明情況的書信，sad表達的情緒過于沉重，看起來好像mick發生了重大的不幸，不如改為Worried as we were， we first gave comfort to him and then took him to hospital。

自然、恰到好處地流露情感，是點亮作文的一大利器。如同樣表達“送Mick去醫院”，有同學用到了accompany和rush來替換take和send。不僅把“送去醫院”表達清楚了，并且體現了“我們”對Mick的陪伴或關心。