谷愛凌：我承認，我愛上了恐懼

蘇璐

恐懼，是人人都會面對的“怪物”，考試、比賽、公開演講等都可能讓我們恐懼。當18歲的谷愛凌站在高高的起跳臺上，起跳、在空中旋轉時，她是如何克服內心的恐懼，又是怎么愛上恐懼的？

For the last 10 of my 18 years， I’vepursued a tumultuous love affair withfear. I’m a professional freeskier， andtwin-tipped skis， 22-foot halfpipesand double-cork rotations are mymain sources of adrenaline， thetruly addictive core of extremesports.

在我18年人生的后10年里，我都對恐懼保持著一種狂熱的愛。我是一名職業自由式滑雪運動員，滑雪板、22英尺深的U型池和轉體兩周的動作是我興奮的主要來源，也是極限運動中真正讓人上癮的內核。

Like all bewitching lovers， this significant other can be… mercurial. “Fear” is really an umbrella term for threedistinct sensations： excitement， uncertainty， and pressure.I’ve learned that the nuanced indicators of each of thesefeelings can be instrumental to success when recognizedand positively leveraged， and harbingers of injury whenignored.

就像所有令人著迷的戀人一樣，我的“另一半”可能會……反復無常。實際上，恐懼是三種不同感覺的總稱：興奮、不確定性和壓力。我發現，如果能識別并積極利用這些微妙的感覺，就會對成功有幫助;而如果忽視它們，這些感覺往往就是受傷的前兆。

Though it’s easy to label extreme sport athletes asfearless or capricious， the countless hours I’ve spentvisualizing tricks and practicing them in foam pits and onairbags suggest otherwise. It’s biologically counterintuitivefor us to place ourselves in positions of risk， and whilewe make every effort to physically prepare， no amount ofmetaphorically safety-netted practice can equate to theunforgiving snow slope that rushes up to meet us after asteep kicker launches us into the air. Instead of ignoringfear， we build unique relationships with it by developing a profound sense of self-awareness and making deliberaterisk assessments.雖然極限運動員很容易被貼上無畏、任性的標簽，但為了構思和練習動作，我曾在泡沫坑里和安全氣囊上度過無數個小時。我們要違背生物直覺，把自己置于風險中。雖然我們會盡一切努力做好準備，但再多的安全網模擬訓練，也無法與從陡坡上起飛、把身體拋到空中并疾馳滑下雪坡相提并論。我們并非無視恐懼，而是通過培養深刻的自我意識、進行深入的風險評估，與恐懼建立起獨特的關系。

The work begins with visualization. Before I attempta new trick， I feel a tightening high in my chest， betweenthe base of my throat and the top of my diaphragm. I take adeep breath and close my eyes. As I ascend the gargantuantakeoff ramp， I imagine extending my legs to maximizelift. Then I picture twisting my upper body in the oppositedirection I intend to spin， generating torque before I allowit to snap back the other way.

與恐懼建立關系的第一步是具象化。在嘗試一個新動作前，我的胸腔會有一種緊張感。我深吸一口氣，閉上眼睛。當我站上起跳臺，我想象著自己最大限度地伸展雙腿，提高升力。然后，我看到自己以相反的方向扭轉上半身，產生扭矩，再讓身體朝另一個方向彈回來。

Now， in my mind， I’mairborne. I see the backsideof the takeoff immediately，then my flip draws my vision to the cloudless sky aboveme. My ears register the wind as a kind of song， every360-degree rotation providing the beat to the music ofmy motion. As my feet come under me halfway through， Ispot the landing for the briefest of moments before I pullmy body into the second flip. I imagine my legs swingingunder me as I return to a forward-facing position and meetthe ground with my weight in the front of my boots. 1440degrees. I smile. Then I open my eyes.

現在，在我的腦海里，我已飛在空中。躍起后，我立即看到自己的背后，接著身體旋轉讓我的視線投向頭頂萬里無云的天空。風聲就像我耳中的音樂，每次360°轉體都在為我的運動提供節拍。當我的雙腳在身體下方，我將身體轉入第二個空翻前的一瞬，我會定位落地點。我想象自己的雙腿在擺動，身體回到面向正前方的姿勢，將重心放在雪鞋前端落地。1440°轉體動作完成。我露出微笑，然后睜開眼睛。

In the split second following my visualization， the knotin my chest flutters and spreads — those famous butterfliesreaching their final stage of metamorphosis. Excitement，the child of adrenaline， my true love and addiction. Thattantalizingly precarious balance between confidence inmy ability to execute the trick safely and excitement forthe unpredictable experience to come. I’ve heard this statecalled “the zone，” which is indeed where I was when Ibecame the first female skier in history to land the doublecork 1440 last fall.

想象結束后，我胸腔中的緊迫感會撲騰著舒展開——這時，就來到了破繭成蝶的關鍵階段。興奮，隨著腎上腺素產生，那是我酷愛并沉迷的東西。我既有安全創造奇跡的自信，又有對將至的未知體驗的興奮，二者間不穩定的平衡讓我欲罷不能。我聽說這種狀態被稱為“入境”，去年秋天，當我成為史上第一個完成空翻兩周轉體1440°的女性雙板滑雪運動員時，我進入了那樣的狀態。

It doesn’t take much， unfortunately， for uncertainty tooverride confidence. Imperfect preparation moistens mypalms， pushes that tight spot down into my stomach andmakes each breath shallower than the last. The feelingisn’t panic， but something like dread. Danger！ cries everyevolutionary instinct. If I should choose to look past thissafety mechanism， my body may act autonomously in theair， twisting out of the rotation and forcing me to brace forimpact out of fear that full commitment to the trick may endin disaster. Every freeskier’s goal is to recognize the minutedifferences between excitement and uncertainty in order tomaximize performance while minimizing the risk of injury.

遺憾的是，猶豫往往能輕易壓倒信心。不完美的準備會讓我手心出汗，并讓緊張感由胸腔轉至腹腔，使呼吸變得更困難。這種感覺不是驚慌，更像是喪失了勇氣。每一種進化的本能都在呼喊“危險”！如果我選擇忽略這個安全機制，我的身體就可能在空中不由自主地行動，旋轉失去控制，迫使我為即將遭受的沖擊做好準備。每位自由式滑雪運動員的目標都是識別出興奮和不確定性之間的細微差別，以便在最大限度發揮能力的同時，最大限度降低受傷風險。

Finally， there’s pressure， an energy source that canbe wielded in many ways. One’s experience of pressure—by far the most subjective facet of “fear” —is affectedby personal experiences and perspectives. Expectations?of family and friends， a competitive streak， or evensponsorship opportunities can provide the scaffolding for ahigh-pressure environment. Pressure can be a positive forcefor competitors who leverage it to rise to the occasion， butit can also single-handedly dictate competitive failure.

最后是壓力，一種能以多種方式釋放的動力源。壓力是“恐懼”最主觀的一面，一個人的壓力體驗會受到自身經歷和觀點的影響。親友的期望、激烈的競爭乃至贊助的機會，都可能成為高壓環境的“腳手架”。對能掌控壓力的選手來說，壓力是助其迎接挑戰的積極力量，但壓力也可能會讓人一敗涂地。

But whether athletes alleviate or compound theirinnate desire to “prove themselves” depends largely onconfidence. As I enter my early adulthood， I’m proud of thework I’ve done to cope with pressure by bolstering my selfesteemand minimizing my need for external validation. Ifocus on gratitude， perspective， and on the joy this sportbrings me， regardless of whether I’m alone or in front ofa worldwide TV audience. Though my views of myself andthe world are constantly evolving， one thing is for certain：no matter how much time passes， I’ll always be a hopelessromantic when it comes to fear.

不過，對于埋藏在心底、渴望“證明自己”的欲望，運動員是壓抑還是強化，很大程度上取決于他們的信心。步入成年期后，我選擇通過增強自尊、盡量減少對外界認可需求的方式來應對壓力，對此我很自豪。無論是孤身一人還是面向世界觀眾，我都專注于感恩與觀察，并享受這項運動帶給我的快樂。雖然我對自己和世界的看法會不斷變化，但有一點不會變：無論時間如何流逝，在恐懼面前，我都會是一個無可救藥的浪漫主義者。

——摘自《紐約時報》，有刪減