翻譯擂臺

上期題目

褪去了春夏的躁動,秋天更加樸實無華,各地的秋景有別,但都恬靜宜人,透著收獲的喜悅。

不逢北國之秋,已將近十余年了。在南方每年到了秋天,總要想起陶然亭的蘆花,釣魚臺的柳影,西山的蟲唱,玉泉的夜月,潭柘寺的鐘聲。在北平即使不出門去吧,就是在皇城人海之中,租人家一椽破屋來住著,早晨起來,泡一碗濃茶,向院子一坐,你也能看得到很高很高的碧綠的天色,聽得到青天下馴鴿的飛聲。從槐樹葉底,朝東細數著一絲一絲漏下來的日光,或在破壁腰中,靜對著像喇叭似的牽?；ǖ乃{朵,自然而然地也能夠感覺到十分的秋意。

摘選自郁達夫《故都的秋》

趙亦周外交學院英語系

It has been more than a decade since I last saw the autumn in Peiping. Upon the arrival of every autumn during my stay in the South, it would always come to my mind of the Taoran Pavilion with its reed catkin, the Fishing Terrace with shady willows, the West Mountain with the chirping insects, the Yuquan Spring in the moonlight, and the Tanzhe Temple resonating with chimes. Even if you do not go around a lot and could only stay in a shabby rental house in the bustling imperial city, you can still, on getting up at dawn, leisurely take a seat in the courtyard, sipping a cup of strong tea, and look up at the high azure sky while listening to the pigeons overhead. Closely observe gleams of light to the east under the locust trees, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blossoms of morning glories curling up along the dilapidated walls, you will be overwhelmed with a deep feeling of autumn.

這篇譯文較為忠實原文,行文流暢。但是有個別語法錯誤和用詞不妥的地方需要注意。首先,最后一句并列使用三個謂語,建議改成“Whether you closely observe the gleams of light to the east under the locust trees, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blossoms of morning glories curling up along the dilapidated walls, you will be overwhelmed with a deep feeling of autumn.”其次,“出門”譯成“go around a lot”雖然不錯,但是不夠地道,如果譯成“wander around”更能體現leisurely的意思。第三,“總是想起”亦可用“bring to mind”表達觸景生情的那層意思。

另外,“the Fishing Terrace with shady willows”里“shady”前應該加上“its”; 因為中文里是“藍朵” ,“blossoms”前應加“blue”修飾。郁達夫文章里的陶然亭指的是陶然亭公園,根據官方譯法,應該是“Tao Ran Park”,以下兩篇譯文存在同樣的問題。

汪益重慶市石柱中學高中部

It is nearly a decade since I last time saw autumn in the North. In the South the arrival of each autumn always reminds me of Tao Ran Ting with its reed catkins, Diao Yu Tai with its shady willows, West Hills with its chirping insects, Yu Quan Mountain on a moonlight evening and Tan Zhe Si with its resounding bell. Suppose you rent a humble house in the bustling imperial city of Peiping, on getting up in the morning, you can sit in your courtyard enjoying a cup of strong tea, leisurely watch the high blue skies and listen to pigeons circling overhead. Stand eastward under locust trees to observe streaks of sunshine filtering through their leaves, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blue flowers of morning glories climbing up a dilapidated wall, and an intense feeling of autumn will itself strike you.

譯文整體不錯,但個別地方表達不夠貼切?！癐t is nearly a decade since…”沒有表達出“近十余年”的意思,與中文有出入。我們可以說“in the moonlight”,但“on a moonlight evening”就不夠地道了,應改為“on a moonlit evening”。

最后一句犯了語法錯誤,謂語stand和watch沒有主語,而且英語里沒有“stand eastward”的說法,可以改成“facing east”。這句修改后就是“When you stand under the locus trees, facing east, to observe streaks of sunshine filtering through their leaves, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blue flowers of morning glories climbing up a dilapidated wall, an intense feeling of autumn will strike you.”同樣是這句,省去itself還是可以表達“自然而然”的意思,無須追求漢英里字字對應。

譯文整體不錯,但個別地方表達不夠貼切?！癐t is nearly a decade since…”沒有表達出“近十余年”的意思,與中文有出入,應該譯為 “more than a decade”。 “on a moonlight evening”不夠地道,應改為“on a moonlit evening”,但也可以說成“in the moonlight”。

最后一句犯了語法錯誤,謂語stand和watch沒有主語,而且英語里沒有“stand eastward”的說法,可以改成“facing east”。這句修改后就是“When you stand under the locus trees, facing east, to observe streaks of sunshine filtering through their leaves, or quietly watch the trumpet-shaped blue flowers of morning glories climbing up a dilapidated wall, an intense feeling of autumn will strike you.”同樣是這句,省去itself還是可以表達“自然而然”的意思,無須追求漢英里字字對應。

楊龍北京理工大學珠海學院外語學院

It is almost ten years since I last enjoyed autumn of the North. Even in the South, each autumn would always remind me of the reed flowers blooming around Taoran Pavilion, the shady willow trees swaying near Diaoyutai, the insects chirping over the Western Hills, the moon hanging above the Jade Springs and the chimes ringing from Tanzhe Temple. In Peiping, imagine you are dwelling in a rented shabby house amid the packed Imperial City. When you are up every morning, you may sit back in the courtyard with a cup of strong tea at hand and, without walking outdoors, see an azure sky high above and hear pigeons flapping across. Right under locust trees, you may turn eastward and observe the rays of sunlight filtering through leaves, or trumpet-shaped blue petals of morning glories creeping half way up a worn wall. And all leads to a feel of autumn pervading the air.

這篇譯文還是很不錯的。但有幾處表達不準。首先,同上篇犯了同樣的錯誤,“十余年”譯文不準。第二,“北國之秋”可以說“autumn of the North”,然而“不逢北國之秋”因為有主語和謂語的關系,改為“I last enjoyed autumn in the North”更符合英語邏輯。第三,“早晨起來”譯成be up的形式欠妥,因為英語里be up不僅僅表示起床,用get up更精準些。第四,“即使不出門去”譯成“without walking outdoors”欠妥。坐在自家的院子里,在中國人看來還是沒有outdoors;但在西方人眼里,yards已經outdoors了。所以,可以說“without leaving your house”。

另外,需要注意冠詞的使用,比如應該是under the locust trees、through the leaves。

下期題目

有人生活清寒貧苦,卻依然苦中作樂,沒有被世俗壓彎了脊背,這樣坦蕩超然的生活態度值得為世人尊敬。

清貧,也就是貧而不賤,且有一股自重自尊的清氣。這種人窮則窮矣,然尊嚴所在,絕不容人輕視貶抑半分,不食嗟來之食,不以媚色示人,任何人見他,都還得敬他三分。幼年在臺,成年在港,我都曾見過不少這種清貧寒士,或者是朝氣勃勃的菜園老農,或者是精神抖擻的焊鐵工人。他們面目明朗,好像自己正在干一件天下間頂重要的事似的。

摘選自梁文道博文

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注:為了達到點評效果,本刊未對獲獎譯文進行改動。